Other secrets:

1. We don’t want to wave hi to your baby on Zoom, not because it makes us pine for our own, but because we are JUST NOT INTO your baby. (Ditto for your cats. I make a small exception for dogs.) I don’t coo on command.

2. We aren’t interested in contributing to your baby shower (and your baby shower and your baby shower…) just because we happen to work in the same department. Hit up your actual friends and family for gifts. Or else let’s start having gift-giving occasions for those of us not adding to the overpopulation crisis—maybe a shower every year we don’t reproduce? A “Thanks for saving our planet” shower?