I feel your pain and regret and am sending virtual hugs.

My Dad never got past my Mom dying, and as he got more and more disabled, he asked me not to come home for Christmas 2009. He had also told me that he thought that "we all died alone" in the end, which I guess is true in a way. No one goes with us on that journey. Anyway, I was angry at my Dad. He got admitted to the hospital April 13 of 2010, and he wouldn't let my brother call me. His stupid doctor said he'd pull through. He didn't. Died April 14.

I can say that I used to remember 3 dates: January 17, 1995 when my sister died of a heart attack. March 21, 2001 when Mom passed away in bed, and April 14, 2010. For many years, the beginning of the year was full of an unacknowledged wiftiness due to 4 months of grief-related anniversary dates.

This year was the first where I forgot about my sister's passing, AND her birthday, February 4. Grief and memory are like the tides, and come in waves. Be gentle with yourself!